Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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