Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
