Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
