Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
