You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
