apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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