Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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