my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
