My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
