you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
