Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
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whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
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Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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