Where is the hickey?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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