after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
