i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
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somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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