Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
