It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
