the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
