Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
