Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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