I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
