You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
