dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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