There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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