apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
