Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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