the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
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