So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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