my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
