There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
