in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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