Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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