Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
