I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
