M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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