i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
