I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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