First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
