I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
