Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
