I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
