before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
