so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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