My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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