the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
True strength comes from lack of pants
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
