once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
