somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
