the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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