Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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