Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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