life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
you made out with another girl for some wings
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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