he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
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