I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..