Grow some girl-balls and come out already
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
