please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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