I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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