Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
