you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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